An off sense off humor is required for the rest off this; if that’s not you, you best be going to a different page now.
Charaters
- Ed
- Ted
- Pam
- Bed Head
- Jesus Puppet
Ed Why hello everybody. We are so happy to see that you have all come out tonight. Now the reason I say we is not because I am a self-centered, egotistical, man who likes the arce in farce, a dummy with a name that rhymes with Devin. Nope. With that may I introduce myself Ed and my partner Ted.
Ted Wait I’m Ted and your Ed.
Ed That’s what I said.
Ted (Pulls his pant out and looks down.) Ahh, you are correct. Underwear never lies.
Ed Not unless you position yourself horizontally or wear someone else’s underwear.
Ted Once I walked around all day calling myself Sally just because I put on my sister’s underpants by accident. It was so embarrassing, but it did explain the wedgie.
Ed Well we’re here to spread a message to everybody here.
Ted I like things you can spread, like butter, cheese, whipped cream.
Ed Peanut butter.
Ted (Very Serious.) That is disgusting. Who spreads their peanut butter?
(Uncomfortable pause.)
Ed Ted do you know what the message is about that we are here to give to these good people today?
Ted (Thinks hard.) Nope.
Ed I’ll give you a hint. What does Ned say in Sunday School when he doesn’t know the answer?
Ted Jed can’t say anything because he’s mute.
Ed No. Not Jed—Ned.
Ted Fred moved to Sweden years ago. That lucky man gets to live it up while we’re stuck in this dump Norway.
Ed Ned!
Ted But you’re Ed. Why do you ask me what you say?
Ed I know I’m Ed. I asked about Ned. What does Ned answer when nobody has a clue what the Sunday School teacher is asking?
Ted (Looks down his pants for a moment.) Jesus!
Ed Yes Jesus. And where does Jesus live?
Ted Nazareth and he makes little wooden toy chariots for the all the boys and girls of the world.
Ed He used to live in Nazareth but he now lives in your heart.
Ted He’s in my heart?
Ed Yes.
Ted (Starts screaming and clawing at his chest.) Aaaaaaaaa. Get him out. Get him out! Please get him out.
Ed No. Figuratively.
Ted I don’t care what his figure is! I don’t want any little man living inside of me!
Ed It’s a figure of speech, not meant to be taken literally.
Ted So there is no little man living in my heart.
Ed That is correct. The reason we say he lives in your heart is because he loves you and cares for you. And he not only lives in your heart but in everybody’s heart.
Pam (Walks by Ted and Ed.) But he does live in your stomach Ted.
Ted Oh I’m not falling for that.
All of sudden a little Jesus puppet pops out of Ted’s stomach
Ted (Screams.)
Jesus Kisses, kisses to everybody. (Blows kisses to the people.) One to you and you. Kisses.
Ed (Talking over Jesus.) Well we better be leaving before we get banned.
Ed and Ted leave the stage. Bed Head sleeping on bed smacks at his/her alarm clock that is going off.
Bed Head (Wakes up and touches his/her stomach.) What a weird dream. (While touching his/her stomach, he/she notices a piece of paper taped to his/her chest. Reads the paper and slowly starts to smile. Then he/she looks up at the audience and then attaches the paper to the wall behind his/her bed so the audience can see that the paper says, “Jesus Loves You.” Bed Head Walks off stage. Bed Head’s bed moves off stage. Wait a few moments. )